In this episode of the Money is Emotional podcast, I’m revealing the process for overcoming money shame. I’m re-reading one of my favorite books about emotion, Atlas of the Heart. In it, Brene Brown focuses on the language we use to describe our emotional experiences, and many are relevant to money. In today’s episode, I’m covering shame, guilt, perfectionism, and self-compassion, and how these apply particularly to money.
The Difference Between Guilt and Shame
The section in the book I focused on for this podcast episode is called, The Places We Go When We Fall Short. And because we are human, there will be times when we fall short, especially when it comes to managing our finances. I want to start by differentiating between guilt and shame. We often lump these two together, but there is a distinct flavor to each of these emotions when we fall short.
For example, let’s say you overdraw your checking account, and your house payment bounces. If you experience guilt, you say, “Oh crap! I haven’t checked my bank balances in three weeks and forgot to transfer money from my savings account. I need to call the mortgage company and explain what happened. And I need to get back to my habit of spending time weekly checking on my finances.”
If you experience shame, you say, “Oh crap! I can’t afford another overdraft fee. My parents were right. I am so irresponsible with money! How can I be so stupid?”
Guilt focuses on the behavior. It acknowledges the mistake. It can drive positive change.
Shame focuses on you and makes the mistake mean something about who you are. It does not drive positive change. This is why overcoming money shame is vital for our financial and emotional well-being.
The Money-Shame Cycle
When you make a money mistake and feel shame, you’re defining yourself by the mistake. The problem with shame is that it makes you want to hide. When you hide, you don’t get the information or assistance you need to improve. This leads to more mistakes, which only confirms that you are indeed terrible with money! Understanding this cycle is an important first step in overcoming money shame.
How do we break the money-shame cycle? Brene Brown says the antidote to shame is empathy, and I wholeheartedly agree. Discussing our financial struggles with an empathetic friend, family member, or financial professional can help us break free from the grip of shame.
Brene says it this way in her book, on page 136: “The less we talk about it, the more control it has over us. Shame hates being spoken.”
It’s true! I like to say that money is like sex. No one teaches us anything about it. We’re not supposed to talk about it. Yet, we’re supposed to be great at it! No wonder we have so much shame around money! As the saying goes, “Your secrets make you sick.” Shame thrives in darkness and secrecy. Overcoming money shame means you have to talk about it. (If you need a safe place to do this, please consider joining us in the Wealthy Woman Book Club™.)
Empathy is the Cure for Money Shame
Who in your life can you open up to and receive empathy for your financial mistakes? Just because someone is good with money doesn’t necessarily make them a safe person to confide in. I’ve heard stories from several women (and men) about being shamed for their mistakes by a financial professional. This is disheartening for me to hear because I know that shame does not help us improve our financial situations. In fact, I have been on the receiving end of it myself. Whether your shame is self-imposed or put there by others, it’s time to brush the shame off you!
When we drop the shame, we can receive empathy, along with the knowledge and assistance to improve our money situation. Allowing ourselves to receive empathy is step one in overcoming money shame.
Shame is the Birthplace of Perfectionism
I am a recovering perfectionist, and I fully admit it. Contrary to popular belief, perfectionism is not striving to do our best or the pursuit of excellence. Perfectionism is a performance for the approval of others. “Perfectionism tells us that our mistakes and failures are personal defects,” as Brene puts it in Atlas of the Heart. Perfectionism is characterized by a fear of mistakes and failures. This is counter-productive because most of us learn how to do things by making mistakes and course-correcting.
Certainly, there are things you can learn from a book, course, or podcast. However, other things need to be learned and refined by our own lived experience. Two months ago, I started a new workout program called Bodi Lava, a hybrid of yoga and primal movement. It’s been one of the most challenging and transformational workouts I’ve ever done.
It’s six weeks of workouts, with a warm-up week that teaches you the proper form of the moves. I had to go through 3 rounds of the warm-up week to feel proficient enough with the moves to even start week 1 of the program! I literally had to stop the workout, rewind it, and watch what the instructor was doing several times before I could even attempt it. I have been doing 3 rounds of each week’s workouts before moving on to the next one. So, I’m almost 3 months in, and only on round two of week three! But the results that I see on the scale and how my clothes fit speak for themselves. By the time I am finished with Bodi Lava, I don’t doubt that I will be in the best shape of my life at 51 years old.
However, if I were still clinging to my perfectionistic tendencies, I would have quit during the first round of the warm-up week. I would have said, “This is too hard! My body doesn’t bend that way. I keep falling over. This isn’t for me.” But the truth is that because I am learning by trying the moves, failing, falling over, and trying again, I am improving and eventually mastering them. Why would we expect money to be any different?
Perfectionism is not self-improvement. Perfectionism is about trying to win approval. That’s a losing game because you cannot control other people’s judgments and perceptions of you.
My friend Derrick Kinney, a guest on this podcast’s episode 56, says that failure contains the seeds of your future successes. However, if you are entrenched in perfectionism, you won’t be able to look at those “failures” objectively to extract the lessons. Expecting yourself to behave perfectly with money is a recipe for disaster. Perfectionism is the enemy when your goal is overcoming money shame.
Self-Compassion is What Moves You From Money Shame to Financial Dignity®
If you’re serious about overcoming money shame, self-compassion is non-negotiable. Self-compassion simply means being gentle with yourself when you fall short. No, you don’t make excuses for your mistakes. However, you don’t criticize and condemn yourself for your shortcomings. Self-compassion means you understand that you’re a work in progress. It allows you to look at your mistakes and extract the lessons. Self-compassion also allows you to reach out to people who can provide empathy and guidance.
The definition of “dignity” is the state of feeling worthy of honor or respect. We know what money shame feels like. What does Financial Dignity® feel like? It’s that state where you feel positive and peaceful about your money because you’re making progress and treating it respectfully. It doesn’t mean you behave perfectly with money, because none of us do. My clients will tell you that’s my superpower: I am a Restorer of Financial Dignity®. I offer that safe and compassionate place for you to learn, experiment, and grow.
If money shame is a deep-rooted issue for you, I highly recommend purchasing the Money Mind(RE)set hypnosis library. The first hypnosis is called Dissolving Money Shame: A Journey of Self-Forgiveness. Listen to it once daily as you fall asleep for at least 7 days. The reports I’m getting back from people about it are nothing short of amazing! There’s also a special listener-only discount when you use the promo code podcast.
Here’s the thing: you must stop punishing yourself long enough to give yourself compassion and permission to seek help. Whether it’s from me or a friend, a family member, or another financial professional, that’s how you break the cycle. Remember, overcoming money shame is a process, not a one-time event. The more you show yourself compassion and ditch perfectionism, the more room you make for lasting Financial Dignity®!