It’s hard to avoid the comparison trap in today’s culture. Have you ever caught yourself scrolling through Facebook or Instagram, seeing someone’s picture-perfect vacation, new car, or six-figure business, and suddenly feeling… not so great about your own life?
We all do it!
I’m currently re-reading one of my favorite books about emotion, Atlas of the Heart. In it, Brene Brown focuses on the language we use to describe our emotional experiences. A few of these emotions are particularly relevant to money.
In this episode of the Money is Emotional podcast, I share her findings on comparison, envy, and contentment, along with my observations about how these apply particularly to money. Let’s untangle our self-worth from our net worth, once and for all!
Avoid the Comparison Trap
Comparison is a natural human tendency—but it can quickly steal our joy if we’re not careful.
It’s not an emotion but rather an activity that leads to all kinds of emotions. We have many sayings regarding comparison:
“Comparison is the thief of joy.”
“Focus on your own journey.”
“The only person you should compare yourself to is who you were yesterday.”
If we know that comparison makes us feel bad, why do we do it? It’s a natural human tendency to look at what others are doing and accomplishing and measure ourselves against it. So how do we avoid the comparison trap when it’s so easy to fall into it?
The Green Eyed Monster of Envy
“If you want what someone else has, you’re not jealous; you’re envious.”
This truth nugget in the book surprised me because I rarely used the word “envious.” According to Brene Brown, jealousy is when we fear losing a relationship or part of a relationship that we already have. You feel jealous when someone is pulling away from you. You might feel jealous that your bestie constantly talks about a new fun coworker and makes plans without you. For the most part, jealousy doesn’t have to do with possessions or finances but rather with affection, time, and attention.
Envy occurs when we want something that another person has.
Why do we have difficulty saying, “I’m envious of that person”? Envy feels more devious than jealousy. Most of the time, when we feel envy, it comes with some hostility. “I want to TAKE what you have. I should have it, and you shouldn’t.” You judge the other person as unworthy, and elevate yourself. “I deserve this good thing, but you don’t.”
The Often Misunderstood Emotion of Desire
Desire occurs when we want something but NOT at someone else’s expense.
Unfortunately, many of us have been conditioned to suppress our desires and not want too much. We’ve been told, “Don’t be selfish,” when we expressed desires as children. I see this especially in women who have children. They are conditioned to put their desires as secondary and less important as their partner or kids.
Comparison can inspire us and spark a healthy desire for something more. If we witness someone experiencing success, financial or otherwise, it can give us a vision of what’s possible for us. Healthy desire pulls us forward into a more expansive future. If you start to feel envious, avoid the comparison trap by making a pivot. Ask yourself, “What desire have I denied myself that this other person is showing me?” Can you give yourself permission to want it for yourself, and to see the other person as proof that it’s possible?
The Blessing of Contentment
Contentment is a state of happiness and satisfaction. It’s a feeling of completeness, appreciation, and “enoughness.” It’s the fulfillment of one’s desires and the pleasure derived from this.
Contentment is the emotion we feel when we enjoy what is.
Gratitude and contentment are closely related. Gratitude is a deep sense of appreciation for what we already have. Here’s the lie we have been told: You can only feel one thing at a time. We think we can’t feel content if we still desire something more. That’s not true! We can have unmet desires and still enjoy our present circumstances.
The inside cover of my planner has a quote that says, “Grateful for where I’m at, Excited about where I’m going.” That’s where the sweet spot is! Content and grateful for what is, while feeling positive anticipation for the desires to come. THIS is how we avoid the comparison trap!
Constant comparison with others makes it challenging to feel content. If you’re not feeling content, intentionally practicing gratitude is the antidote. Increase your contentment by purposely finding the things in your life to appreciate and be grateful for, even as you pursue your desires.
What do you think about comparison, envy, and contentment, especially when it comes to money?
Listen to or watch this episode of the Money is Emotional podcast and leave us a review!
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